"True empowerment begins with understanding—stop blaming survivors and start creating a space for healing and growth."
Surviving narcissistic abuse is a journey filled with psychological, emotional and often physical challenges that many cannot fully comprehend. The complexity of this form of abuse is rooted in manipulation, deception, and control tactics that leave survivors questioning their own reality. It's time we shift the narrative and replace judgment with support. Here's what you need to stop saying and why.
The Neuroscience of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse isn’t just emotional—it leaves lasting effects on the brain. Research in neuroscience shows that prolonged exposure to manipulation rewires the brain, creating trauma bonds. These bonds are formed when dopamine (the "feel-good" chemical) surges during moments of affection or "love-bombing," while cortisol spikes during periods of abuse. This creates a cycle of addiction to the highs and lows, making it incredibly hard for survivors to leave.
High-profile cases, like Kiena Dawes in the UK, Rihanna from the West Indies, and the trial of Gabby Petito in the USA, reveal the devastating toll this abuse takes. These stories show that narcissistic abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of status, appearance, or strength of character. Survivors don’t need judgment—they need compassion.
When supporting someone who has survived narcissistic abuse, our words can either lift them up or unintentionally add to their pain. Let’s explore common harmful phrases, why they hurt, and how we can shift our language to empower and support survivors on their healing journey.
1. “You chose them!
Why It’s Harmful: Narcissists excel at creating a façade of charm and perfection, tricking even the most discerning individuals. Survivors don’t willingly choose manipulation—they are deceived by a false persona.
How to Reframe: Recognise that the survivor was targeted, not complicit in the abuse.
What to Say Instead: “You didn’t deserve what happened. They manipulated you and hid their true self.”
2️. “You should’ve left when you saw who they were!”
Why It’s Harmful: Narcissists gradually reveal their true nature, often alternating between love and cruelty to create confusion (known as cognitive dissonance). Leaving isn’t straightforward when survival instincts and emotions are tangled.
How to Reframe: Acknowledge the complexity of their situation and the courage it takes to leave.
What to Say Instead: “I understand how hard it must have been. Leaving takes immense strength, and I’m here to support you.”
3️. “You must have low self-esteem to stay with someone like that.”
Why It’s Harmful: Survivors often start with confidence, but narcissistic abuse systematically erodes their self-esteem through gaslighting and manipulation.
How to Reframe: Validate their strengths and focus on rebuilding their confidence.
What to Say Instead: “They targeted your strengths to break you down. Let’s work on rebuilding your confidence—you’re so much stronger than you realize.”
4️. “You stayed, so it’s on you.”
Why It’s Harmful: Trauma bonding—a cycle of emotional highs and lows—creates a chemical addiction in the brain, making it incredibly difficult to leave. Survivours don’t stay willingly; they are trapped by manipulation.
How to Reframe: Understand the impact of trauma bonds and acknowledge the difficulty of breaking free.
What to Say Instead: “Trauma bonds are powerful, and breaking free is a process. I’m here to support you every step of the way.”
5️. “If it were me, I would’ve just...”
Why It’s Harmful: Comparing your hypothetical reaction to their lived experience invalidates the complexity of abuse. Survivours are in survival mode, making "simple solutions" feel impossible.
How to Reframe: Approach with empathy and a willingness to listen without judgment.
What to Say Instead: “I may not fully understand, but I’m here to listen and support you however I can.”
6️. “It couldn’t have been that bad if you kept going back.”
Why It’s Harmful: Gaslighting—a psychological weapon used by narcissists—makes survivors doubt their reality, leaving them vulnerable to returning despite the abuse.
How to Reframe: Recognise the emotional manipulation they endured and applaud their resilience.
What to Say Instead: “Leaving isn’t easy. I see your strength in trying to find your way through this.”
7️. “If you’d had better boundaries, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Why It’s Harmful: Blaming survivors for not enforcing boundaries adds to their guilt and shame. Narcissists are adept at bypassing even the strongest boundaries.
How to Reframe: Assure them it’s not their fault and focus on healing, not blame.
What to Say Instead: “This wasn’t your fault. You did the best you could in an incredibly challenging situation.”
8️. “They were horrible, you should be happy it’s over!”
Why It’s Harmful: Survivors often grieve the loss of the person they thought they knew and the future they imagined. Healing is a process that requires time and compassion.
How to Reframe: Encourage them to honour their feelings while supporting their healing journey.
What to Say Instead: “It’s okay to grieve. Take the time you need, and know I’m here for you as you heal.”
Lessons from High-Profile Cases
These stories remind us that narcissistic abuse can affect anyone, no matter their status:
Kiena Dawes (UK): A young mother who ended her life after relentless abuse and stalking. Her story underscores the importance of mental health support for survivors.
Rihanna (West Indies): Her public journey of surviving intimate partner violence from Chris Brown highlighted the layers of emotional manipulation and public judgment survivors face.
Gabby Petito (USA): Her tragic case brought attention to the subtle signs of narcissistic abuse and how society often overlooks them.
Want to ACTUALLY Help Survivours?
Then…..
Listen Without Judgment: Survivors need to feel heard, not critiqued or evaluated.
Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge their pain and courage.
Educate Yourself: Understand narcissistic abuse and its effects before making ill-informed statements.
Remind Them: It wasn’t their fault—they are not to blame.
What Next
We all have a role to play in breaking the stigma surrounding narcissistic abuse. Share this post to spread awareness, educate yourself and others, and be a source of support for someone who needs it. Let’s create a world where survivors feel seen, heard and empowered to heal.
Have you or someone you know survived narcissistic abuse? Share your thoughts below—your voice matters. Together, we can break the cycle of blame and shame and replace it with understanding and empowerment.
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Inspired by: Surviving a Narcissist Group
Rhianna Photograph, Daily Mail Online / TMZ
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